dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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