I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
