"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
