Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
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I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
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I stole a fireplace last night.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize