There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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