Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Did you just see the Batmobile???
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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