I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
