dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
