On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
