Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
