You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
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I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
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Happy you have kids and I don't day!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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