My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
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My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
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I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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