Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
