im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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