Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
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I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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