Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
