i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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