This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
