the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize