The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
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I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
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And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
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