I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
