allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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