Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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