I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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