jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
