Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
