I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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