my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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