mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Randomize
