I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
