so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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