she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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