Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
