He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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