I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
