I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
A+ Viking dick
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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