Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
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This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
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I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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