i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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