Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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