I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
