even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
