I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
