Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
