It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
