Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
