If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I am midnight drunk by noon
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
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I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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