do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom