well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off