There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body