And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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