Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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