New invention idea: vibrating tampons
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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