Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
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i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
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I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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