Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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