Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
