i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
