I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
