I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
